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Mission T02: oh god / Strawberry Lovin'

Tasmin

A replacement Sue is a Sue that takes the place of a canon character and pretends to be them. There were two of those in the mission that is to follow, but first, Tasmin breaks out the water works.

A/N: Protectors of the Plot Continuum was founded by Jay and Acacia. Excerpts taken form oh god by this gurl is mad (first scene), and Strawberry Lovin' by lil-miss-harkness (third scene).These two stories have a relationship that didn't quite work in common.

-oOo-

On her way back to her response center Emma unexpectedly stumbled over a fire hose that was lying across the hall. She was surprised. She didn't even know the PPC had any fire prevention measures. She followed the hose along to see where the fire was. There she got another surprise: the fire hose lead into her own response center.

"Tasmin?" she asked stepping over the hose into her office. "What's going on?"

"Just a little problem that needs to be fixed. It'll only be a moment." Tasmin tapped some keys on the console and a portal opened.

Emma peered into the fic cautiously; she was not prepared to go into a fic. Gwen and Jack were standing in Jack's office, both half-naked, in a close embrace. They were kissing each other and stroking each other's bodies. Emma glanced over at the Words to find out what was going on.

Then gwen put her hands down jacks pants and played around she heard a little moan from jack and smiled as he was doing the same.

"Step aside," Tasmin said.

Emma did as she was told, still wondering what was going on. Tasmin stood on the threshold of the portal and opened the nozzle of the fire hose. She hit Gwen and Jack with a burst of water. The two of them quickly broke off their embrace. Gwen clasped her arms over her chest and turned her back to the PPC agent. Jack stood up to full length and glared at Tasmin. Tasmin turned the water off.

"Put your clothes back on," she snarled.

"What the hell?" Jack replied.

"You needed to be hosed down." Tasmin stepped back and the portal closed.

"What was that all about?" Emma asked as Tasmin started gathering up the fire hose to return it to its proper place.

"They needed to be hosed down," Tasmin replied simply.

-oOo-

"What was that all about?" Emma asked again as her partner returned from stowing away the fire hose.

"They needed to be hosed down," Tasmin growled.

"Yes, you said that already. Why did they need to be hosed down?"

"Gwen felt bad because of Rhys so Jack decided to cheer her up by having sex with her."

"Good plot."

Tasmin glared at her partner.

"For a porn movie," Emma added. "It's not like anyone is going to believe Jack is coming over to repair the washing machine."

Tasmin continued glaring at her partner. Emma did not buckle under her stare. Tasmin sighed and then turned away, muttering: "why do I always get the idiots?"

"Due to PPC's policy of partnering people with their polar opposite," Emma replied cheerfully.

Tasmin growled again and went into the bathroom. She wanted to go for a run.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

"Incoming!" Emma shouted.

Obviously, Tasmin thought. She walked back into the response center. "What have we got?" she asked in a tired voice.

"More Gwen-Jack naughtiness. But no porn so you can leave the hose here."

"Wouldn't fit in my purse anyway."

"That's the spirit." Emma smiled at her partner. "Ooh, let's disguise ourselves as that sex alien."

"I think there's quite enough lusting in this fic without us adding to it." Tasmin tapped a few keys on the console and a portal opened. She grabbed her duffel bag.

"I don't think we would be adding to the lusting disguised as sex aliens," Emma said as she followed Tasmin through the portal. "That would only work if we went into someone's body, and we can't."

-oOo-

"Pizza delivery people?" Emma exclaimed as soon as she'd stepped through the portal and taken a look at their disguises. "This is Torchwood. It's a Doctor Who spin-off. You could have chosen any alien from Doctor Who, if you're not comfortable with the Torchwood ones, yet you choose: pizza delivery people."

"They come into the Hub all the time."

"Once. Once one came into the Hub. And Gwen once. No more."

"Besides, I thought you wanted to stay in keeping with the porn theme."

"Good point. Pizza delivery, very porn." Emma grinned. Her grin got bigger when her partner pulled her into the kitchenette by her arm. "Tasmin," she said with a cheeky smirk on her face. She flexed her eyebrows.

Tasmin ignored her partner. She cautiously peered into the Hub. "Gwen and Jack might be replaced by Sues; they could see us," she whispered.

Normally, a PPC agent is covered from canon eyes and ears by a Someone Else's Problem field. This field, however, does not work on Mary-Sues or Canon!Sues, because PPC agents are their problem.

Emma nodded and got behind her partner. She looked over her partner's head into the Hub.

Gwen and Owen were disagreeing about what kind of food to order in. This lead to Jack joking that Owen didn't look like a pizza. Gwen wanted to know what that made Jack.

"If Jack were a food what would he be?" Tasmin growled.

"Grilled pepper steak," Emma said. "Tough on the outside, soft on the inside, hot and melts on the tongue."

Tasmin turned her head a little so she could look at her partner. "You've given this way too much thought already."

Emma smirked again.

Well...” Gwen replied. “I have always though that strawberries have a certain...sex appeal.”

"Strawberries?" Emma queried. "Why are strawberries red? Because they're embarrassed about their pimples. What's sexy about pimples?"

"Embarrassed about their pimples?"

"It loses some meaning in the translation."

"I guess it's one of those jokes for which you had to be there."

"Like this fic?"

"I'm here and I don't think it's funny." Tasmin nodded at the three people near the boardroom door. "That's supposed to be a sexually suggestive conversation? I've had more of an indecent proposal from my tax form."

She grinned up at him. “Something to do with the way they, um, taste, I think...”

Owen sighed. “Is this going to go on forever? Will you two just get a bloody room and snog?”

"You do income tax? You have an income? More income than volunteers' allowance?"

"Shouldn't you be writing down charges about now? We'll still have Sues to charge before this mission is over."

"Right." Emma pulled a pad and pen from her shoulder bag and jotted down a few charges.

Gwen received a text message from Jack asking her to come into his office; he might have strawberries for her. Gwen quickly went.

"Ow." Both agents were knocked against the kitchen cabinets by a sudden tremor.

"Time rift," Tasmin stated and picked herself up.

"Why can't these Sues use scene breaks?" Emma scrambled up and rubbed her head. "How hard is it to hit the enter key, hit the hyphen key about six times and hit enter key again?"

"I'm guessing less hard than kitchen cabinets."

"Quite. Let's see what they're up to." Emma set off in the direction of Jack's office.

Tasmin wanted to protest, but she couldn't do that without shouting and she didn't want to shout. As quietly as she could she ran after her partner.

A moment later both agents were crouching down beside the hatch to Jack's room. They were looking down on a groggily waking up Gwen.

Gwen woke up slightly out of breath and in unfamiliar surroundings. Where could she be? Her memories of the last few hours were unclear, and she couldn’t remember going home.

"Post-coital memory loss," Tasmin stated. "Never had that myself."

"Sex, you mean?" Emma asked.

Tasmin let out a short growl. Emma flashed her a toothy grin.

"Just think of this as showing in a non-expletive way that Jack shagged her brains out."

"Thanks, now I'm still stuck with that image."

Emma smirked in reply.

"Charge: Jack and Gwen having sex while they're both canonically involved with other people."

"Gwen's involved with two other people. It's not like she's canonically monogamous. And Jack's a flirt."

"That doesn't mean he would have sex on a whim with a co-worker. Neither does it mean that for Gwen."

"True, no whim sex."

Gwen pondered about the events that had lead up to her waking up in Jack's bed.

He was definitely the best she’d ever been with.

"Best what?" It slipped Tasmin's tongue before she had realized it, and she quickly threw her partner a don't-you-dare-answer-that look.

Emma gave her her best innocent look. "Best pillow fluffer, best skirt folder, best Pacman player, best Grand Theft Auto racer, best hair braider, best phone book quoter, best boss. I could go on for a while."

"I like hair braider," Tasmin said. "Jack's done Gwen's hair very nicely." Tasmin nodded down. Both agents chuckled as Gwen brushed a handful of tiny braids over her shoulder as she tried to quietly get out of bed.

The agents experienced another time rift. This one the force of a medium sized Typhoon. When Tasmin and Emma regained consciousness they found out they were at the other side of the Hub and several weeks had passed.

Gwen had broken up with Rhys, so her and Jack were ‘official’, and they didn’t hide their relationship from the rest of the team.

"Gwen had broken up with Rhys? I hope the actual break up took more than six words." Tasmin tried to untangle her limbs from her partner's and from her duffel bag.

"Can be done in four: 'Rhys, we're through. Gwen'. Send it by text and Rhys can't even rebuttal." Emma found some leverage from the wall and pushed herself up.

Tasmin had also gotten up. She dusted herself off and without waiting for her partner set off across the Hub. Despite her long stride Emma had trouble keeping up. Not seeing anyone else anywhere in the Hub, the two agents went back to Jack's office. They looked at the Words to get up to speed again with the story.

Gwen had moved in with Jack, and he kept her up most of the night.

"And because she doesn't commute anymore, she can't catch up on her sleep on the way over to work," Emma joked.

"People can actually die of exhaustion," Tasmin pointed out.

"Guess we can scratch best boss of the list of possibilities then."

Tasmin shrugged in reply.

Despite the sleep deprivation, Gwen and Jack were a great couple.

However, the great atmosphere didn’t last much longer. Something was troubling Gwen, and Jack could sense it.

After a few days, and her mood wasn’t improving, he told her to meet him in his office for a “talk”. By office, she knew that he meant the room below it,

The agents quickly hid behind Jack's desk to let Jack and Gwen climb into the room below it. Then they crawled back to the hatch and looked down it into Jack's bedroom. Jack's single bed was still there, but was now accompanied by a huge sofa.

"How on Earth did they get that thing down this hole?" Emma asked.

"The Sues must've also stretched the material boundaries of this world."

Gwen sat on Jack's lap and he tried to kiss her, but she pushed him away. She had something important to say:

Jack,” she said. “Jack, I’m pregnant.”

"That's it. I'm putting a stop to this immediately." Tasmin jumped down the hole.

"But aren't we ..." Emma started. "Oh, bother." She climbed down the ladder and joined her partner who had her Colt M1911 trained on the couple on the sofa. She had already begun charging.

"Gwen!Sue and Jack!Stu, we are Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We are here to charge you with taking over the bodies of canon characters Gwen and Jack and replacing them with your Sue selves. We charge you with making Gwen and Jack a couple without explaining how they overcome the obvious obstacles to such a relationship, including but not limited to: Jack's immortality and the fact that he will outlive everyone he loves; Gwen already being involved in some kind of love-triangle. We charge you with complete lack of plot. We charge you with breaking up with Rhys in a six word sentence. We charge you with bashing Owen. We charge you with fitting the biggest sofa you could find down a manhole. We charge you with not dying of exhaustion, and we charge you with getting pregnant. You have been found guilty. The punishment for your crimes is death." Not waiting for a reply Tasmin shot the Sue and the Stu through the head.

"And this is why we have to make sure that they are Sues," Emma said. "So we don't accidentally kill the canons."

"They were Sues. I'm sure of that."

Jack!Stu blinked his eyes. He groaned and sat up. He looked at the agents. The agents looked at him. The agents looked at each other.

"That was to be expected," Emma said.

Tasmin emptied the magazine of her Colt on him. He slumped back over the sofa. "That's just great. We can't leave a Jack!Stu in a fic. The consequences will be catastrophic."

"I have an idea." Emma took the remote activator from her shoulder bag.

-oOo-

"Where are we?" Tasmin asked. The agents dragged the still dead Jack through the portal. "This place looks like hell."

"Good guess. It's Hades, from Greek mythology."

"And what are we doing here? We also can't just leave this Stu alive in any other fic."

"We're not. Well, not on the loose anyway." Emma pointed to a man chained to a rock standing waist high in a pool of water. "Remember Tantalos?"

"You want to free Tantalos?"

"No! Put Jack up next to him. See, the Gods already put up the spare chains in case anyone would need them."

"Women," Tantalos voice rasped. "Could you give me a drink of water?"

"Sorry, we're kinda busy here."

The agents wadded into the pool. They propped up Jack and put him in the chains. Then they went back to the Hub to get Gwen!Sue's body and threw her in the Phlegethon.

"We must gather everyone in the boardroom," Tasmin said. "We have some things to discuss with them. You'll find Jack; I'll look for Gwen. They're probably just cowering in a plot hole somewhere."

"Probably the one where she broke up with Rhys," Emma replied as she opened another portal to the Hub. "That one's big enough to hide a whole civilization."

-oOo-

Emma looked in all the plot holes she could find, but there was no trace of Jack. Then she had a brain wave and went up to the roof. There Jack was standing, hands in his pockets, overlooking the city and the night sky.

"I've been waiting for you," he said without turning around.

"I thought you were waiting for the Doctor."

"Aren't you him?" Jack turned around and threw Emma a cheeky grin.

"No, but I'm gonna suggest it to Tasmin next time we need disguises." She gave a head jerk towards the door. "You're needed downstairs."

"Good. It's getting chilly up here." Jack started for the door.

"How did you know I was here? I was under the impression you weren't supposed to be able to see us."

Jack shrugged. "If you work around perception filters long enough they kind of lose significance."

"That's good to know." Emma passed the door Jack held open for her. "In other words: we're screwed."

Jack chuckled. "For the moment I think I'm the only one that can see through yours."

-oOo-

Jack and Emma entered the boardroom where Tasmin had ushered the other Torchwood Three employees to go to. Jack sat down at the table between Owen and Gwen. Gwen was still shivering from her experience in the plot hole. Jack gave her an encouraging squeeze in the shoulder. Emma joined Tasmin at the opposite end of the table overlooking the assembly.

"Good, now we're all gathered here, we can start this instruction on birth-control," Tasmin started.

"Birth-control?" Owen asked in a mocking tone. "I'm already excellently versed on the subject matter. Can I be excused to put theory into practice?"

"Show me." Tasmin threw him a condom across the table.

"What? Now?" Owen held the condom up between thumb and forefinger and cocked his head a little.

"Unless you're not up to it," Emma replied with a smirk.

"This might be helpful." Tasmin also tossed him a banana.

Owen rolled his eyes and sighed. He gave the banana to Tosh who sat to the right of him. "Hold this, will you." Tosh nodded with a serious look and held the banana out for Owen. He tore open the condom's packet. He took the top of the condom between thumb and forefinger and rolled it down the banana with ease. "Satisfied?" he asked the two agents.

"As much as we can be from this distance," Emma replied.

Tasmin distributed condoms among the others. Gwen giggled this reminded her of Sex Ed lessons in school. Each of the members of Torchwood rolled in turn a condom over the banana.

When they were convinced each of them knew how to use a condom the agents started to gather up the empty packages and used condoms.

"Right," Tasmin said. "Condoms can be bought at any pharmacy. The nearest one is just down the road. From now on, I don't want to hear about any of you getting pregnant. Any of you." She glared at each of the people gathered around the table. "Got that?" They all quickly nodded in compliance. "Good. Then we can go." Tasmin picked up her duffel bag and nodded to Emma to open up a portal.

-oOo-

"How come you knew to bring condoms? You barely glanced over the fic before we went in." Emma flopped down on the sofa and folded her hands behind her head, leaving the typing up of the mission report to her partner.

"I've always got a few condoms packed into the duffel bag."

"Why? Scoring with the canons is out of the question. So what would you need them for?"

"Lots of things. To carry water in, as evidence bags, in case I feel a sudden need for making balloon animals."

"Condoms: never leave home without them."

"Right."

Emma chuckled and closed her eyes.

-oOo-

A/N: oh god was just a badly written story about two people having sex because they happened to be in the same room at the same time. If you are going to write smut the least you should do is also put in a plot. If you are just going to write smut for the sake of writing porn post it over on adultfanfiction.
Strawberry Lovin' also lacked a proper plot. A plot is where characters deal with aversion. Here, all aversion was ironed out, and not even in a nice way. Gwen loves Rhys. She opened the Rift to try to save his life. The least you should do is pay some attention to what their break up would be like. How characters try to overcome obstacles is what makes stories interesting. Everything else is candy floss.


Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
theorclair
Nov. 11th, 2009 08:20 pm (UTC)
I just came here from fanficrants and I laughed myself silly over this post. I am suddenly very glad I only go to the Pit for Torchwood fic when it's recommended to me.
indemaat
Nov. 13th, 2009 08:38 pm (UTC)
That's probably the best way to go. Though people seem to be in the habit of recommending me badfic.

If your interested, I've got a few more stories like these on Torchwood posted over at the Pit, under the same penname. (And a 300 words short that deals with a similar topic matter as this fic).
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )